ROAD TRIP - Part 9

Alrighty then... where was I? Oh, right... I remember now. I pissed off this 60-something dude and he was trying to act like he was going to jump me...

Now then, I may be a bit out of shape (yeah, okay, so maybe a bit more than a bit - back off, I'm workin' on it) and have had some recent and nagging back and neck problems due to that accident I had about a year ago (that dude that rear-ended me and TRIED to drive off?)... AND my knee might have some issues during winter because of a bad turn in a pickup basketball game from years ago AND an unfortunate turn on the bunny slopes at Massanutten (also known as Massanuthin - never said I was a World Class skier, did I?) - I turned 90 degrees but my left foot decided it really didn't want to go that way... you know, knees aren't supposed to bend that way. Even with all that against me, I felt pretty confident that I could've taken this guy. Yeah, it's not really saying much when you're talking about a 60-plus guy, but I just wanted to make sure you know...

Anyway, I was in the middle of the last few verses of "Vaseline" and I just sort of let the song die out cause Old Guy was stepping up to the bar and making a huge scene out of it. I was trying to hear what was going on and I realized that I had pissed this guy off. Now I'm an easy going sort of fellow and I don't like upsetting people when I play, so I immediately put down the guitar and walked over to the bar to apologize for having offended him - you know, I just like entertaining people, what's the point of pissing them off, right? I even offered him my hand as a gesture...

and he didn't take it. He just looked at it as if I had worms AND leprosy and scowled at me while he was bitching to Vito, the owner, about "having never been so offended in all my life" and how "[he] was such a good customer and he didn't feel it was right to be treated this way." Vito, to my surprise, was responding to him with comments like : "Yeah,yeah, whatever. Everyone else is having a good time and your just trying to ruin it for everyone. Shut up, ya pain in the ass" in that classic New York Italian accent.

I love this guy. Vito flat out rocks. What can I say?

Meanwhile, there's that younger woman, looking at me with what my good friend has named "the glad eye of connubial acquiescence." Don't bother trying to steal that phrase - I am pretty sure it has been trademarked. I mean, hell, if you can trademark "Let's Get Ready to Ruummbbllleeee!!!" then why the hell not, right?

Here is one version of "the look"
this photo borrowed from : mia's Mint Jelly blog

If you don't feel like figuring out what that means - it was THAT look, the one that says, "Oh yeah. I could do you right now and I would enjoy it." Like I said, sometimes it's unmistakable and I actually DO catch it. Must be that musician thing, eh?

In any case, this guy, Old Guy, is brushing past me with younger woman (with the "glad eyes") in tow. I apologized to my man Vito cause I hate to be the cause of any business owner losing custom, but he simply said, "Bah, don't worry about it. That guy comes in here all the time and he's a friggin pain in the ass... ALL THE TIME! You were doin' great - go on, play some more." By this time, though, I thought it might be good to take a short break...

The audience was none too pleased with this. They really, REALLY wanted me to play some more. That was VERY gratifying after having Old Guy get all huffy and causing a ruckus. So a bit later, after some cajoling and many offers for drinks, and after the hottie girl played a few more tunes, I got back up on the stage.

I played several other songs, including a few of my "special tunes" such as "Men are Assholes" and let's see... what else? Oh, I have this medley tune that I do that includes bits and pieces of La Bamba, Wild Thing, Louie Louie, and a few other tunes - the big finish being Simon & Garfunkel's "Me and Julio", with alternate Dice-man inspired lyrics at the end.

There is a big space available in there for improvisational lyrics in the "Louie Louie" segment due to the very nature of that song. I mean, does anyone REALLY know what the hell they are singing there? Well, I made up lyrics, as I sometimes do, right on the spot and on the fly, and I must say I was "on". I carved Old Guy a new asshole with the lyrics I spewed out, and the crowd was roaring with laughter.... damn, I wish I could remember exactly what the hell it was I sang cause it was definitely right on the money.

Kinda reminds me of that fine Tenacious D song, Tribute. Now, my soul wasn't in danger of being eaten by a demon, as were Jack and KG's, but I definitely put together some fine words. Maybe not the greatest song in the world, but definitely a good little piece. I sang about the Old Guy and how he was mad cause I ruined his shot at scoring with the younger chick... and then I mentioned something about his having forgotten his Viagra anyway... yeah, a real "You had to be there moment."

Sorry, folks. I guess this story really just sort of flopped at the ass end. It's a bit like a one night stand (that took 9 parts to tell) - you get all excited and worked up, and maybe some of the bits and pieces in the middle were worth a laugh but, damn, in the end you're kind of left with a bit of a disappointed feeling, eh? Oh well, so sue me.

Better yet, don't - getting sued sucks. Going to court sucks. Worst of all is having to pay for a lawyer just to make sure you don't get slammed in the process. Ahh well, but that's another story.

How about you have a good weekend and we'll just wait for my next story to be better, eh? I know JUST the one to tell, too.
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