Some Rambling Words about Lying

As quoted by our famous stand-up philosopher, Chris Rock:

Men lie the most,
women tell the biggest lies.

All men are liars. We have to lie all the time just to keep neck and neck with women. Women don't lie nearly as much as men do... HOWEVER, the MAGNITUDE of women's lies is far greater... For the mathematically involved, the equations could be represented thusly

Based on these values:
M = # times men lie
A = Average magnitude of male lies
W = # times women lie
B = Average magnitude of female lies

The following are therefore true:
M > W
A < B
However, this theorem is as yet unproven:
M x A = W x B


Men lie about their their gas mileage, whose house they were at, their golf scores, the size of their fish they caught, the size of the pole in their pants, the fastest time to drive some long distance, etc. We will lie about what time we went to bed and what time we got up. We lie about just about ANYTHING at ANY time. But we pretty much nit pick tiny little things. It just happens. It's not like there's a grand plan or scheme to it all...

Oh, one of my favorites is the telling of one of several infamous "car tales"....

such as this one...

A friend of mine and I were driving down to the beach. (Note_1: classic car tales often involve a "friend", sometimes named, sometimes not. Good friends will, of course, back up your version of the tale or embellish it) We were heading down to the beach to look at this car we saw in the Trading post - all it said was '63 Chevy, $400. So we're on this backroad and we find this house with a huge yard and a barn. We go up to the house and talk to this little old lady (Note_2:the proverbial little old lady used in so many tales - it is assumed, of course, that being a little old lady means you know absolutely nothing about cars, right? Isn't that nice and sexist AND agist, eh?). Well, we talk to the lady and she tells us that her son bought the car right before he went off to Viet Nam (Note_3:pronounced, of course, Vee-yet Nam, as in rhymes with Jam, to further the "don't know jack" stereotype) and, unfortunately, he was either killed in action or had his legs "blowed off" or "got crippled" by a bullet in the back so the car was of no use to him. She kept it for him all this time, naturally, and never drove it but he had just passed away recently and she needed the money...

So, we go look in this barn. And there is a little car stuck under some 30 year old tarp. And it has been sitting here in the barn forever, but always covered up. And what, pray tell, kind of car was it? Well, in MOST car guy car stories, it's a Split rear window 1963 Corvette - only one of the rarest and most valuable 'Vettes ever, right? And it has less than 100 miles on the speedo. AND it's in pristeen shape (Note_4: forget about the fact that rodents DO like to make nesting spots in cars - some guys cover that part by the mom coming and brushing and dusting off the car from time to time)

Of course, I have also heard this tale told with Superbees (a very rare musclecar) and Daytonas (the also rare sister to the SuperBee) and any number of other RARE cars.

THOSE are the kinds of lies guys tell... oh, and some scum say they're single even when you can see the damned tan line on their ring fingers, right? Yeah and I promise to pull out before I... and later, YEAH, the child support check is in the mail. No, I haven't told these lies... but I have seen it done... Okay, so maybe we men suck worse than I give us credit for... SO maybe Chris Rock wasn't entirely correct... oh well...
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But women are hardly innocent... oh, HELL NO!
Hey, let's just look at the product involved:
Hair dye, wigs, stockings, high heels, breast augmentation, butt implants (the latest craze), colored contacts, lipstick, blush, eye shadow. Hell, they shouldn't call it a makeover, they should call it a disguise.

Oh, and the ever popular "Let's just be friends." - this is a really kind way of saying "You're just not cool enough to attract me - it's just too bad you're not gay so we could go shopping."

And I'm not saying ALL women do this one... but I've gotten tagged with it:
I'm Pregnant. (Oh Yes she did. And, oh no she wasn't )
You're my baby daddy.
I'm single. I love you. (Okay, so these go both ways...)

Even the clothing you wear is designed to disguise and augment your very body - various bras with and without gel/water/air bags, shoulder pads (so 80's), panty hose with "control top" - ie, it sucks you in up top, butt slimmer panties, girdles, boy shorts... okay, well, that last one - they do improve the look of many a butt, but I digress....

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Women are beautiful things and the things they do that catch my eye, well, I would hardly have the patience for. I have heard the following line so often... well, I'm sure you've heard/said it to:

"The things we women go through to make ourselves look pretty for you (men and/or women)"

And having been a "Man of Honor" (male Maid of Honor) for my dear friend, Iantha, I have been in the 'back room' where the make up and clothing is done. I tell you, my male brethren, WE'VE GOT IT MADE! Toss on some underwear, socks, shirt, throw on some deodorant... and NO that is NOT optional... especially for some of you. You know, we really DO have it easy by way of comparison. It's a wonder to me that more men don't dress well.

And you know what, we really SHOULD.

It's a plain and simple fact that women do, in fact, like a sharp dressed man. It comes from the same line of thought which causes women to like men in uniform. We can look very sharp all decked out. We really can. It's true. I can't say that I could keep up with wearing suits all the time, but you know - it really wouldn't kill us to do it once and a while, just to keep them women-folk offbalance. (Hey, anything to get an edge, you know?) Trust me - it will impress, if you just put in a little effort.

But it's the sad truth that we won't likely change from our blue jean ways...
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hey, that sounds like a song just waiting to be written...
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Okay... so, where was I?
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