Tall Tale Tuesday 3

I have two older brothers. One of them lives in the area, but the other moved away to Texas about, ohh, 12 years ago. Well, it had been years since I'd seen him, being more than just a tiny bit of a drive to get down there and all, so last summer I took a buddy of mine with me and we headed down for a little mini-family reunion.

My buddy, J**, and I headed out on a sunny Friday afternoon and drove nonstop, each taking turns at the wheel - with the occasional stop for some grub or a short nap at a rest stop along the interstate - and we made GREAT time. It was hardly past noon Saturday when we arrived - we were beat down tired as hell, true, but we were there.

Now let me tell you a little about Texas. They like to do things BIG out there. Let me tell you what. EVERYTHING in Texas is big. We got down there and went to eat at this Texas steakhouse. The place was HUGE. I think you could have a basketball game in the bar area, you know? So we ordered their big porterhouse steak - hey, why the hell not?

Of course, we were thinking big in terms of Virginia, where a 40oz porterhouse is humongous, right? So when they wheeled over the sides of beef and tossed them onto our tables, I knew we were in for some SERIOUS eating. That steak was GINORMOUS. It shouldn't have been called a porterhouse... it should've been called a portermansion or something ridiculous like that. J*** asked the waiter, "Hey man... this steak is huge. I mean HUGE. Did I really order this?"

The waiter responded, "Why yes sir, you shore did. This is Texas, man. EVERYTHING in Texas is BIG!"

So we ate what we could and packed the rest away into a couple of doggie bags the size of a Honda. Well, it wasn't too late and there was this Texas blues band getting set up to play so we went over to the bar to get us a drink and listen to the band. We ordered us up a pair of margaritas, it being a Tex-Mex kind of thing, right? Well, the bartender wheels over these giant glasses of mixed drink with rock salt on the rim. Each one of these was large enough to baptize a Samoan baby in...

...and if there's one thing you should know about Samoan babies, it's that they're BIG. I mean, my best friend back in Hawaii was 12 pounds at birth... and he was kind of runty, they said. Right before I moved from there to Va, his sister gave birth to a baby boy. A 20 pound baby boy. That's not a typo. TWENTY. As in two - oh. One more than 19. 3 touchdowns and one missed extra point. Are you getting me here? Point is, it was a HUGE drink.

So J*** looks at the bartender and asks him, "Are you sure this is what I ordered? Man, it's HUGE!"

The bartender looked at us and said, "Welp, I can tell you ain't from 'round here. See, EVERYTHING in Texas is BIG, so drink up."

So DRINK we did. We were sitting there at the bar getting completely hammered on our margaritas while the sun set over the pool that was just outside of the bar area, while this Texas blues band threw down some right smackin hot stanky funk Texas blues. And we were really thirsty - you could practically see the water evaporating out of that pool in the hot summer heat, while the sun was setting.

After a bit, J*** stands up and slurs in a barely understandable fashion, "Man... I'm drrrunnkkk... I need to takke a pissshh... hey! Hey barshender... wheresh the bathshroom?"

The bartender looked at him with a grin and said, "Go right down the hall behind the bar. It's the first door on your right."

And my friend staggered down the hall, but instead of taking a right, he took a left and walked straight into the pool.

*SPLASH*

I stumbled outside to help him out and all I could hear was him screaming for his life:
"Don't flush! Don't FLUSH !!!"
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