Tales from the Drunk Side

So I heard some stories the other day when we partied like rock stars (go to the band's myspace blog for vague non-details...) and I heard a few tales...
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This young woman, who may or may not be acquainted with me, was in a mood. A good kind of mood. A REALLY good kind of mood. Unfortunately for her, her husband was TWO hours away with HIS BOSS trying to pull off a big sales deal.

But she was definitely in a mood.

The kind of mood that doesn't let you go...

Okay, she was HORNY, people. Do I have to spell it out for you? H.O.R.N.Y.

She was practically in a lather....

and she loved her man so...

and she wanted to be all warmed up for him...

let me just interrupt this tale to say that nipple clamps and baby oil are NOT a good combination

Sure, it all starts out fine - the intense pressure, the slickness of the oil, just getting herself all worked up for when her man comes home...

mmm... a pretty picture, eh?

yep, all so right until it starts to hurt...

and so you try to take them off but...

you can't get a grip on the clamps...

so maybe you can go wash your hands...

but the door is closed...

and the bathroom is on THE OTHER SIDE of it...

Try this new math out:
Baby oil
+
doorknob
=
something akin to my first prom date...

which is to say:
NOT MUCH HAPPENIN'

baby oil has this way of just sticking to you... wiping on the sheets doesn't really help much... and the pain does start to get to you after a while...

I mean, I don't know PERSONALLY, but I imagine it does... that's what I've HEARD.
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yep, so there my man was, on site, 2 hours away, when he gets this frantic phone call, an emergency call from his wife saying he HAD to come home.
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Yep.
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He flew home. He loves his wife. A good man.

Gets home. No fire trucks. hmm.

No police cars... well, THAT's a good sign

No ambulance... no Bambulance, for that matter...

rush in...

he hears her pleading wail from the bedroom...

could it be... AN INTRUDER???

He runs... he slams the door open...
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Can you just picture it?

Like I said, it all sounded like such a good idea at the start.
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