A moment's reprieve

It seems that I have been blessed with a momentary reprieve of having the big boss perform a colonoscopy on me and my code. Hoorah!

For those of you unaware of what a colonoscopy, here's the short version of what happens:

1. they give you 5-6 quarts (yes, QUARTS) of this insoluble liquid to drink the night before.
2. This liquid comes in several flavors - lemonade, orange, strawberry, etc - each and every one of which tastes exactly the same - like offbrand yellow koolaid with not enough flavor and not enough sugar and mixed with some strange substance that reminds you of crap.
3. It's not that ironic that it reminds you of crap, cause in about 2 hours - your gonna be doin that... a lot
4. sit on the toilet and read awhile
5. do NOT leave the bathroom. Really.
6. eventually, you wonder which organs are actually being flushed out of your system.
7. read and drink some more
8. repeat
   
9. you have to finish this barely drinkable stuff in under... I think it's 3-4 hours?
10. you start off thinking 6 quarts isn't that much... have you ever had to drink 6 quarts of anything?
    
11. okay, yeah, besides beer?
12. oh, BIG HINT - make the drink ICE ICE ICE ICE cold if you EVER have to do this. It helps it go down. For beer drinkers, think back to your younger days when all you could afford was Milwaukee's Beast - yep, if it was ice cold, it was okay, right? Same deal here.
13. Wipe
14. Make sure you're done.
15. you're not.
    
16. wipe again.
17. Sleep
18. up at the ass-crack of dawn. (Of COURSE the ass-crack of dawn)
19. Tell Mr. DeMille that you are ready for your closeup
20. it's an EXTREME closeup.
    
21. get IV with fast-acting demerol/valium drip
    
22. Start counting backwards from 10
23. 9
24. 8
25. 7
26. zzzzzzzzz
27. there's some uncomfortable pressure down there... or am I dreaming this?
28. wake up
29. watch the insides of your colon on TV. See, that uncomfortable pressure was a camera being shoved up in there for a closer look.
30. Get used to this procedure - they recommend it anally after age 40... I mean annually.
31. have your friend/spouse/significant other take you to eat at Ihop's and make droolly faces at any cute waitresses - it's okay, you're still wasted so you have an excuse. Might as well make the best of it
32. recover
33. have great stories to tell
34. pictures for your photo album
    
35. wait nervously for the doctor to report anything

So, there ya go... now ya know... and knowledge is power. Go be strong.

Oh, for those of you wondering why I, at my tender age, had to go get this done? Well, that's a tail for another time.
Peace.
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