So...

I guess that not having written near-daily entries for a while is taking its toll on me. It was pretty hard finding something I felt was actually worth saying on a daily basis - some days it was easier than getting laid in a whorehouse - not that I have ever done that, mind you - and other days were... well, rough. It got a bit easier as it went along, particularly when I devised a semi-daily scheme of what to write... but, hell, it's been so long that I barely even remember TO write in this blog, much less remember what those rituals were...

Lessee... I had Me Me Mondays, Tall Tale Tuesdays (a reader favorite), Words of Wednesdays, Half-Nekkid Thursdays, and TGIFridays.... and the weekends? Well, they were all mine.

So today is apparently thursday and I've got jack to show for it. No new picture. No inventive creative deformation of an old one. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. I am completely lacking in images. I am fully not in possession of a picture. I have no tea - thank you Douglas Adams, for sharing your no tea with me, by the way.

That being said, I did hear a couple of interestingly bizarre quotes Saturday night/Sunday morning, as I scored me some breakfast foods of the worst sort at 4th Street Diner - the home of Richmond's very best boardwalk fries... usually -

• See, man... if Costa Rica were to disappear, the world would end - yeah, you figure it out cause I'm still lost on this one.
• It's all good for me to eat meat cause the dinosaurs did... and, you know, they ruled the world.
  
• Please make it stop
• ... but he LOOKS Hawaiian

Last Saturday night, I played during a couple of set breaks for the local band, the US Band - that's "us" as in "we", "you", "they" - and it went okay. I was told specifically before I began that they did not want any cussing, etc etc...

Well great. There goes half my material.

Still, I managed to play a radio-friendly version of Tenacious D's "F**k Her Gently" and, of course, bleeped out all the cuss words...

of course, it being "the D", this made the song sound like an instrumental with morse code in it:

I'm gonna Beep-beep - bippity-beep-di-beep-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep hard...

The majority of the males, as well as a fair number of the (very fine and tasty) women present, filled in the beeps with the actual lyrics, of course.

But they couldn't blame ME for that, could they? I didn't sing them, after all... right?

Recent Quotes, 11.20.06 Edition

little puffs of lavender, indeed

• Sure. You go ahead and hang out with your mom and her third cousin. I hope you have a good time with that, keepin' it all in the family. (Now reread the above with the knowledge that the mom is dating the third cousin - eww)
• I don't like orgasms... they make me feel all tingly and weird - no, I did NOT make this one up... how could I?
  
• You get more ass than a toilet seat - still a favorite
  
• Yep, her family came into town for the week... so I've been out a lot more
• It was just one piece of chocolate, baby - just one piece (referring to the empty candy bar wrapper)
• He's my pimp-daddy
• When I fart, it all comes out as little puffs of lavender...
• Yeah, lavender scented sh1t
  

TGIF = This Gear Is FLY

( Go 'head and click the title to preview my new toy )

Yes, my ever-present threat of recording my music and sending it out into the ether...net is coming one step closer to its unavoidable fruition.

Yes, I had my pc set up for recording. Now one basement flooding, a bad power supply, and a motherboard fry later ... it got to be a MAJOR pain in the ass between driver updates and changes and problems with WINDOWS... I am convinced that Bill Gates is, indeed, the Anti-Christ... but THAT, my friends, is a WHOLE other conversation.

And before you Mac-ho's out there crawl all over me and tout your superiority of design and implementation, let me say just this one thing.... okay, a FEW things.

If I had a few grand to buy one and all the software that goes with it, I surely would. They are MUCH more stable, and like the iPod, it's basic user interface design is light years beyond the competition. Straight up. Period. (Of course, as a nuts and bolts guy, there are times when I KNOW I can do it faster and cleaner than the baby-steps they allow users... thank God they have a Linux base now!)

But I don't have that kind of scratch... and I already had all the software and gear for the PC...

AND

my PC pursuits include video and photo editing, for which I have large amounts of "not the freebie/came with the computer" software. We'd be talking 5 grand to replace my PC and get the equivalent software on the Mac.

Now, if you REALLY want me to be a convert and are willing to throw that kind of scratch my way... well, I'll be more than happy to send you my address where you can send me a certified check or money order (I don't accept personal checks, you see)...

Until then, well, I'm gonna play wif me new toy - which just showed up, by the way.

I can hardly wait.

HNT - Hardrocker Needs Talent

Yep... I SO wanna be a rock star


This shot was taken at one of our two man shows
at one of nicest places to dine in all of Richmond...
the Bleu Bistro
the home of the original casual elegance dining...
and, of course, the Government Cheese Open Mic Live Show.

(yes, I also realize that this is a pretty lame re-entry into
the HNT world, but I only had a few minutes to blow
so here ya go. Go see Rock God Osbasso for details)

Words of Wednesday 11.15.2006

it was a fine, fine open mic show the people gathered round
at least one or two I knew and so I bought a round
of drinks of beer of women speak of dreams of tale of whoa
not woe, yea whoa, I meant it right in case you didn't know
I speak it right, I speak it well I write as right can be
not perfect, I'd not dare to claim, but close enough for me...
Where was I? Oh, yes, we played in turn last night and music made
songs of here, and there, and naught and jams aplenty, quarters played
a diddle here, a strum, a chop nervous keys red hot
"That boy can play." "I know, he's good." Duets on the spot
mayhaps a shot at shows to come me and keys, no bass, air drum
just slapping rhythm on me gut in current lingo, "That was bum"
and lots of speaking, set me free into the crowd I am set loose
and fortune's happy foolish fiend a jabber Wop forsooth
a touring 'nuck from White North Great cool regulars to boot
a good time had by all but one not my horn that I toot
Tuesday here and yet to come upon this ride we go
come one, come all, and take a spin the Open Mic Live Show.

Me Me Monday #30

30. Hell, I hated Kiss as a kid

No, it's true.

I really hated Kiss when I was younger. Of course, I grew up in Hawaii, so the whole "Kiss Army" thing wasn't exactly as big a deal there. We had much more important things to do with our Hawaiian time... like... like skateboard, long before it became huge... and go to the beach and snorkel and surf and just enjoy BEING.

Can you understand why it never became a priority?

Of course, when I moved to Virginia, I had PLENTY of reasons to hate all things Virginian.

• I was the chunky little half-asian kid with glasses (as opposed to the large half-asian man with glasses that I have grown up to be). You wanna talk outcast? Fat, short asian boys are prime targets. Trust me.
• This was compounded massively by me having been in the WAY in crowd in Hawaii - having Samoan and Hawaiian friends gets you in like Flynn back on the island - it didn't hurt that I get nice tans that made me look somewhat native to many.
  
• They say the word "y'all" here. I fought that off for 3 years before my doom was sealed and the word spilled, unasked and unwanted, from my very own lips...
• Everyone here seemed to love the Washington Redskins. I, having become a tried and true-blue Dallas Cowboys fan while living in Hawaii, could have developed a rash just by contacting most Virginians. No - I am no fair weather fan, and I "ain't" switching just cause all y'all round here like them 'Skins.
• And, of course, no beautiful beaches and sunsets of a billion colors.
• Hot, sweltering summer heat.
• Icy cold winters (though the snow was tres cool...)
  
• Rednecks
  

Need I say more? I thought not. So when I moved here and all these kids my age were lovin' on the whole Kiss action... well... I naturally took the opposite bent to it. My poor adolescent mind process went as follows:

1. Virginia sucks
2. Rednecks suck
3. Virginia has rednecks
4. Rednecks like Kiss
5. Therefore - Kiss sucks

( See, even then I was all down with the logic thang. )

Of course, now... in my later years, I see the error in my ways. Sure, you may think Kiss cheezy, and they are. You might think they represent all that was overdone and overblown about rock, and you would be right. You might even think that they grew in popularity solely for their pyrotechnics and makeup, and there is some truth to that, for Kiss is nothing if not a spectacle to be beheld.

But you cannot deny the crunch of "Detroit, Rock City"... you cannot ignore the tongue of Mr. Simmons... and you cannot deny the impact of all that is Kiss...

and so youth attains wisdom

Repetitive Musing...

Seventeen. The number calls out to me.
Not that I had such a great 17... or maybe I did.

When I was 17...

I had a car to drive... it wasn't much, but it had 4 wheels, plenty of space, and it ran. It also had 144 different bumper stickers on it so it was REAL easy to find in the parking lot of ANY mall or concert.

I had a girl. Yeah, she was crazy about me. Crazy in not just the figurative sense, either. Go figure - I think it sets a pattern, hmm? Cause I sure have dated some doozies and floozies...

I was acing school... not a big deal - I could sleep through most classes in high school and still get an 'A'... except for English. And that was definitely a personality conflict. I don't think she liked foreign looking people. Ahh well... high school - so glad I'm done with THAT side of it, anyway.

I had a good core group of friends.

It was the dawn of the digital age and the birth of the video arcade era - yeah, I'll admit to my geekdom here. I was a Sinistar GOD! okay... more like a demigod, but that game was no walk in the park.

And I was in a band. Not a marching band or high school band, oh no. I played the bone in the horn section of an R&B/Beach/Blues group. Hey, we actually got paid to play a number of gigs, too. I guess that's where my crowd ho days first began to feel the need... the urge... the addiction to feed... but I digress.

Oh, I got laid a lot back then, too. Yes. That was fun.

But 17... that number just sticks in my craw... it bugs me... it pokes at me to be written for some bizarre reason, reasons beyond my understanding. What is it about that number?

I mean, it's not like 42, THE universal answer to the ultimate question to life, the universe, and everything.

But it gets at me... and I just don't understand it.

Do you?

What Men Know About Women

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( okay... well, if anyone can add to this, feel free to post a comment. )

How to write a jam band song ( in 40 steps or less)

1. Pack bowl
2. smoke it
3. mmm... tasty... wait a sec... where's my paper?
4. pack it again
5. smoke it - you need to be in a 'good place' to do this, after all
6. look around you... does anything stand out?
7. write down a few lines about its color
8. crap... where's my pen?
9. Oh, got it
10. Dammit... used the tip to clean out the resin...
11. Try to clean the tip of your now tacky pen
12. still won't write
13. find another pen
14. might as well have another toke - don't wanna lose that edge while searching for a pen, right?
15. okay, so where was I?
16. That's right, chillin and watching 70's sitcom reruns - What's Happening? Not much D-Wayne.
17. ( sounds of water bubbling through a pipe )
18. HEY HEY HEY!! *cough cough* I found my bong!
19. Duuuuude... hey, what's this paper here for? (no, it won't roll)
20. Oh man... I was SO gonna write a song
21. try writing some more
22. man, why the hell won't this pen write?
23. Oh, that's right, duuude. I used this to clean the bowl.
24. laugh for 10 minutes straight
25. pick up the other pen and start writing
26. chips... dip... soda... eggs... pancake mix (gotta love pancake Sunday mornings!)...
27. okay, now start writing that SONG, not your grocery list
28. But, dude, I have SO got the munchies now...
29. Fine, load another while you figure out what to eat
30. Tear house apart trying to find something to eat besides Oodles of Noodles and mac and cheese
31. Oodles of Noodles it is! (don't have milk to make the mac)
32. These are SO awesome, add water, chuck it in the nuke box and *BAM*. Tasty noodles.
33. So where was I? Oh, yeah yeah... song. Dude I am THERE!
34. Grab the pen and write.
35. Why won't this write? Dammit. Grab that other pen.
36. Okay.. so what rhymes with orange?